Listening, It Don’t Come Easy…

It’s harder and harder to listen these days. There’s more competing for our attention and this can cause a number of symptoms to engage, in an attempt to hold off the onslaught from those loud, bright, busy factions.

And listening, true listening, contrary to popular notion, is work. Active listening involves using our listening muscles, not simply “hanging out”.

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can
LISTEN
twice as much as we speak.”
Epictetus

So Why Aren’t We Listening?

Here is a little laundry list of the things that get in the way of listening; those thing we have to overcome, which make true listening an active job.

Our Attachment to Right and Wrong

As long as we are afraid to be seen or thought of as “wrong”, to make a mistake; to be invested in being seen or thought of as “right” more than we care to be in relationship and find a solution that is win-win, we can never be listening. Worry about being “wrong”, or the desire to be “right” is like trying to listen through earplugs.

Holding Our Ideas or Opinions as True

If we are not open to examining what we think is true, then we cut off any innovation. Those who are not open new ideas often attempt to sidestep discussions, argue, or push to get agreement before those involved have reached a consensus.

Faster Is Better, Jumping To Conclusions

Hurry up, just cut to the chase, just tell me the bottom line; these are often the directives of someone who believes in lack of time, who may not value understanding between to or more people as much as completing their own “to do” list.

Fear of Getting Emotional

Cheer up, calm down, it’s OK, don’t feel like that, you have to be positive; these are the replies of someone who is not listening but trying to tell someone “I can’t handle your emotions because they’re triggering mine, and I don’t want to feel them”. We can never hear another when we hold our hands over our ears and sing “la, la, la, I can’t hear you….”; which is what these reactions are all about.

I Already Know

Those who (want to) think they already know what someone is going to say, what someone means, what someone wants often interrupts, exhibits impatience, or seems distracted.

Telling, Not Listening

• You should…
• you better…
• you better not…
• you’re just so….

…fill in the blank. They’re all about telling someone, not listening to them.

Listening Myths

Here are just a few of the many “listening myths” that inhibit our listening abilities:

• I have to agree with the person speaking to continue listening.
• I have to convince the person I’m listening to agree with me.
• I have to “go” emotionally, where the person speaking is, if they are sharing more intense emotions of any kind.
• It is of more value to be a powerful speaker than listener.
• People want my “feedback”; giving “feedback” is a gift.
• People want my opinion of their situation.
• I don’t have time for this.

But I want to be heard…

Of course you do! It’s a human need, to be heard and understood. I’ve found that most people are hungry to be heard.
It does seem to be, however, that if you want to be heard, you must first become a listener.

If you do not become a listener:

• you never allow yourself to be heard somewhere you don’t feel you deserve it,
• you will never believe you are heard because you don’t listen, you assume others don’t either,
• and you will never earn the right to be heard by listening first; which builds trust and reciprocity.

Next week….

I won’t leave you hanging. Next week, I’ll share some powerful insight into the simple things you can do to BE an active listener, and thus a more powerful speaker, friend, mate, parent, business partner, and human being.

So come on back, and comment below with your ideas and questions so I can address those as well.