What do misunderstandings, communication upsets, and arguments all have in common? When seen through the lens of the Resistance Cycle™ they are simple forms of resistance. They are a way internal forces push for us to stop reaching for our goals and go back to the way things have been, our “old box”.
Because the Change Process inherently sparks uncertainty and discomfort, fear arises and the inner critic begins shouting that something is wrong. It’s either something with me, something wrong with you, or something wrong with both of us. It will shout whatever it takes to get me to stop this changing nonsense and return to the status quo.
The issues out of nowhere with other people are just another form Resistance takes. There’s a reason for this.
Think of someone close to you. The relationship you have with them is like a carefully crafted dance; the steps, tune, and rhythm are unique to the two of you.
When you change, you begin taking new steps, moving to a new tune in a new way. This can really upset things if your “partner” hasn’t been notified. The other person, to safeguard their own status quo, will attempt to get you to come back to the dance that belongs to the two of you. This may look like passive-aggressive comments, broad statements about what you should or shouldn’t do, pronouncements of a judgmental nature designed to incite guilt to influence you, small complaints or disagreements, or even all-out fights about anything; the toothpaste cap even!
No need to blame yourself… or them. This is the Resistance Cycle™ at work and very few of us saw any communication models to help support change.
Cut yourself a break. And your partner too. You don’t know better, just yet. Neither do they.
Quick Tip
This is a good time to pause, take a breath, set an intention. What do you want in our next conversation with your friend? The more settled you are within, the more success in any conversation.
What Can Help?
Acknowledging these upsets as part of the change process, an opportunity for two people to learn a fresh, new dance together, takes the pressure off. This is just part of the process.
Remember who instigated the change. Was it you? Did you make a new choice for your life or set a new intention? Are you in the change process? Or is your friend changing?
If it was you, a new balance will be restored more quickly and easily if you take responsibility for the change and ask your friend to support you. If you just did this one thing, most upsets would smooth out.
“Hi there, I wanted to talk to you about something that is changing for me. Is now a good time?
For some time I’ve wanted to change jobs and to do that, I need extra time in the evenings to job hunt, submit applications, and even interview.
I care about you. I care about us. But for a bit I may seem distracted. I wanted to let you know what I was doing and where my head is at.
Will you support me and be patient while I find my next work situation? What that would look like is giving me a bit more space alone to do this job hunting. I’m not trying to ignore you. I’m just trying to take better care of my future.
Hey, thanks! I look forward to going out and celebrating with you when I get my new position!”
What If They Are Changing And I Don’t Like It?
Yep, that can happen too. Your friend is going through changes and it feels like everything is “wrong” between you. You might get nervous, or antsy. And the words on your tongue want to come out as complaint or judgment.
Your friend may not, probably doesn’t, know about this phenomenon; the need to renegotiate relationships in times of change. In which case, if you want to keep the friend, and get through the times of their changes more easily, take responsibility for your own experience.
Just as a dancer might notice their partner moving in new ways and become more flexible to meet them in the new rhythms, you can do that too.
“Hi there, I want to know more about what’s changing in your life. Would you be willing to share what’s going on for you, with me? Is now a good time?
It feels a bit like you are being what I would call distracted, like you have your attention somewhere else. And I’d love to know what’s going on in your life? What are you currently focusing on?
Wow! I didn’t know you were looking for a new job. I want to support you in that. And also, I’m feeling a bit nervous. I don’t want to lose our Thursday night bowling league. Will you be able to come back to that when you get a new position?
No? Well, is there something else we can do regularly because I really like spending time doing something active together? A climbing gym? I never would have thought of that. I’m willing to give it a try. There’s one near where you’ll be working? OK, well thanks, I’ll gladly try it out.
I’m really glad we had this talk. I feel better and I hope you do too. You do? Oh good. I really value our friendship.”
OK, I know these are totally simple and even kind of silly. Real conversations seldom go so easily. But they’re an example of a place to start. Help with tough conversations like these are part of my VIP 1-on-1 Coaching Programs and an integral reason my clients make such huge shifts.
Remember, If You Can, It’s All A Sign of Something Deeper At Work
Let me assure you, this is all part of the change process. When you want something new, to have it, you must become, at some level, a new being, who has a new way of BEhaving. This changes the dance you dance.
Can you see how the other person might be caught off guard? They may feel uncomfortable, or uncertain around you. This can lead to a nervousness (aka fear). This may lead to an attempt to push back (resist) to protect themselves.
As we’ve explored; resistance or defensiveness does not help communications or relationships.
You no longer seem the same (safe) to them and they no longer seem the same (safe) to you. Enter Resistance.
In Darel Rutherford’s book, BEING THE SOLUTION, there is an entire chapter about “Renegotiating Relationships”. Darel was acknowledging this phase of the change process. He emphasized that any change you want will require open communication and “new agreements” with those closest to you.
Let’s Break It Down One More Time
Here’s an example to pull apart and see what’s at work:
“I wanted to take some time to check in with you. Maybe you’ve noticed that I’m making some changes in my life? I care about you. You’re important to me. I want us to continue to enjoy a deep friendship/partnership that feels really good to us both. And, I’m not going to …. (insert what you’re releasing). I want to now be/do this (insert the change you’re making) moving forward. Would you support me in this change?
Take responsibility for checking in (as the one who is changing):
“I wanted to take some time to check in with you.”
Acknowledge that things are different:
“Maybe you’ve noticed that I’m making some changes in my life?”
State your intention/s:
“I care about you. You’re important to me. I want us to continue to enjoy a deep friendship/partnership that feels really good to us both.”
Call out what is changing for you:
“I noticed that my chronic pattern of being late to scheduled appointments was hurting my business and my relationships. I’m now committed to being early to any appointment I agree to.”
Ask for their support:
“It may take a bit of practice so would you be willing to support me? For me that looks like not teasing or criticising me when I miss the mark. You could celebrate with me, when I share my benefits from being early?”
Let them know the best way to approach you if they have a question or concern:
“I’m happy to talk about this with you. Would you be open to asking me to schedule a time? That way I can be more focused and deliberate about it.”
Your Turn
Take a moment to think about the people in your life who may be affected by a change you want to make. Who do you know who may be feeling uncertain or resistant to your new approach?
Make a conscious effort to open up and communicate about your changes, using phrases like “Hey, I wanted to check in with you” or “I wanted to let you know that…”
Extra Tip: Asking them about their experience and listening deeply with curiosity will really go a long way to more ease, peace and even closeness between you.
Relief!
Knowing how to Renegotiate your relationships is a crucial aspect of easing through the Resistance Cycle™
When you take the lead in creating a new dance with those you are close to, you no longer have to be afraid of “losing someone” to gain something new.
Coming This Fall 2024
I’ve had requests to bring back my communication support evening meetings. In the past, these meetings were program bonuses for my clients. It hasn’t become clear to me just yet whether to hold this space regularly or not. So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to offer one, 90-minute Quick Changes Communication Lab; a live meeting on Zoom for immersive exploration, learning, and practice. I’ll teach a little bit (very practical, easy tools to help with real-life relationships). I’ll facilitate a lot. We’ll explore questions and answers together. And there will be opportunities to practice skills with others, if you like (optional).
Fill out this quick 3-question survey if you are interested in helping me create a space that will work best for those interested.
Comment below or email me at info@deborahivanoff.com to share.
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