“I hate to say it, but I don’t want to even try. It’s not going to work out anyway. Why should I give it my all just to be disappointed?”
That’s what I’ve heard from not one, not two, but more than a half dozen new clients, and even from members of my own family, this week.
The fear of that dangerous animal called Disappointment can stop us in our tracks, freeze us where we stand, and keep us from getting into actions that will insure we accomplish our goals.
“Feel the fear and do it anyway” is a trite slogan with little power to elicit effective action and change when it comes to the emotional monsters that keep us cowering in the corners. It’s not that the saying doesn’t have value. It’s not that it doesn’t seem to work… for some. I just don’t see that it really works for most of us human beings with emotions and a nervous system.
So what do we do? Well, first we need to understand, just a bit, about the beast that we face.
“…there’s something to learn about how lion tamers manage fear. On the one hand, they can’t be “fearless”, otherwise they’d be dead. The lion is a powerful animal, and you simply cannot treat it like a big cat. Fear is appropriate, the kind of fear that can also be described as awe. A deep appreciation of the lion’s awesome power, an understanding that this is something that cannot be trifled with.”
James Ledyard, Alta ski instructor
Disappointment hurts. Clients describe what it feels like using words like “pain”, “feel bad”, “giving up”, “defeated”.
If you’ve suffered the pain of Disappointment in the past, you may not want to hear about logical strategies; “Just think, False Evidence Appearing Real”. You want to be sure you never have to feel that bad again. You don’t want to hear how it’s all in your mind, that it’s your beliefs that are causing you suffering. You just want to feel better.
And you want a guarantee you’ll never have to feel that bad again if you risk moving forward with the goal in front of you that is demanding an investment in the form of heart and action.
Sadly, there is no guarantee against uncertainty.
When we want something we don’t yet have, we have a change inside to make first. Changes on the outside, begin with changes on the inside. To make that change, for some amount of time, things both inside and outside may feel a bit odd, uncertain, risky. That’s inherent in the change process.
But what I can give you is a few tips on how to navigate the process of change, and some tools to help you face the fear of the beast, Disappointment.
“…of course, you cannot be an effective lion tamer if you are overcome by your fears. You need to keep your fears in check, to find a way to function as if you were totally confident. We’re not talking here about the kind of pretending that is so fake that the lion will smell your fear. We’re talking about the kind of poise that comes from being conscious of the fear and walking through it, deliberately.”
James Ledyard, Alta ski instructor
Your Number #1 Priority
If you want to ease through change, particularly if you are feeling some fear around failing (or succeeding) and having to experience the pain of Disappointment, the first and most important thing you can do to help, is to be aware of your level of feeling “safe”. When we don’t feel safe, we move into fight, flight or freeze in some way. Prolonged periods of time in fight, flight or freeze leads to stress overload and we lose the ability to use both sides of our brain (creativity and logic) together to provide solutions or explore possibilities. We also become more prone to illness.
So making sure our body understands it is safe is job #1. This includes eating enough, drinking enough, sleeping enough, moving enough, socializing enough, being quiet enough, resting enough, restoring enough, playing enough…you get the idea.
Step #2 is a Reframe
Trust me, I get it. Changing out beliefs is never as easy as it is simple. Still, that is what is required. In order to “tame the beast” you must approach the beast with the proper mindset, attitude and resources, and that means making some changes to what we believe.
If you’ve been raised to fear big powerful cats you’re more likely to act fearful around them. Approaching a tiger shaking and terrified, squealing with fear, is sure to do what? Pretty sure that’s an invitation for the tiger to rush you and see if it can get you on the run.
Learning all you can about what makes a big cat “tick”, about their motivations and needs; essentially change your “belief” to one of respect and curiosity will change everything!
Approaching a tiger, well-educated and confident, willing to learn from your practice, with the energy of presence, respectful attention and lots of backup will insure your chances of a positive experience.
Might I offer a new idea, a reframe to help you with your practice in taking action and risking Disappointment?
What if hurt isn’t right or wrong? What if hurt is just a message? You can take your hand off the hot stove.
Message delivered.What if the hurt of disappointment is the same, a message?
Then what would the message be?That then is your reframe. Disappointment, even if it hurts for a bit, is not good or bad, right or wrong, but a message. You get to release the disappointment, yourself, when you understand the message.
Finally, Take Baby Steps…
I see how most of use have a resistance (myself included) to taking things in smaller steps. But I have found, both for myself, and in my clients, that when we slow down (just a bit) and…
- Get Clarity on a definable next step
- Take the step recording our experiences honestly
- Look back at the completed step with appreciation for its completion
- Assess our experience, debrief ourselves
- Apply what we’ve learned to the next step
- Repeat with each new, next, baby step
Wow! These steps allow us to keep climbing and climbing without all the backsliding!
Disappointment, may never be your friend, but it doesn’t have to be your enemy.
“There’s always failure. And there’s always disappointment. And there’s always loss. But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.”
Michael J. Fox
I hope you’ve found this helpful, and it’s given you some idea for ways you can adjust your own action plan for this year. If you’re getting stuck, please comment below and let me support you in your goals.
This month in my Manifesting Elite Support Program we dove deep into overcoming both risk-aversion and the fear of disappointment. If you have goals that are calling, and you aren’t getting into the action you’d like, please consider getting the support to assist you as you change. Having “backup” can really help you move more smoothly through the change process.
Want to talk further about your personal situation? Schedule a brief chat here.